The Other Woman

I am tired of being the other woman. Even in relationships, I have been the other woman.
I have never been the most important.
And it's not as if relationships are a hierarchical thing, or should be treated as such, but I have not been cared for properly. Ever. And I'm tired.

I have realized that I sabotage/ protect myself by liking people who are wholly unavailable to me. Or I convince myself that they are unavailable. I am so terrified of caring for people in this specific way that I run as far away from the situation as possible. I distance myself, and only then can I admit my feelings.

But in doing so, I sometimes do really care for people and I put myself in situations that are painful to me. I'll never be good enough for anyone because I destroy my opportunities when they are there, and they find other people who are more reliable, dependent, and stable. People they like more. People that aren't me. And I become the other woman, in a sense. And I am tired of it. I explained this in an eloquent fashion earlier to a friend, and I've been thinking a lot about my habits and how I work and how I ruin things for myself because I'm afraid of being hurt or used over and over and over again, as in the past. I've realized that some of my behavior aggravates the possibility of me getting hurt. And this is hard to admit or think about. But I am trying.

And so far, I've come to the conclusion that being the other woman cannot do. It's an abusive relationship in which the fact that I love and care for someone is taken advantage of. I am only wanted when needed for reassurance or entertainment, and at the end of the day, a romantic partner will trump. A best friend will trump. Anyone but me will trump, because I am the other woman.

Purpose

I've been trying to figure out what it is exactly that I want from myself, insofar as blogging is concerned. And I think I want something that is not segmented. I have pieces of myself everywhere, but nowhere is the whole represented. And that is what I want here. If I were not to allow myself this, I would never be satisfied. I am enamored with learning, and that is the only thing that is constant with me. What I care to learn at any given point in time is unknowable.
I've been called fickle, but I don't abandon one passion for another, I simply put it on hold until I return to it. My loyalty to it is as strong as ever, I just have need to be elsewhere.
I will be unable to create a blog solely around Asexuality, though that was my original intention. Since my interests are so varied, I will devote this to what I feel I have been given in place of sexual attraction-- an insatiable appetite for knowledge of all kinds. There is no premeditated end to my means; rather, the end forms itself when necessary. I will attempt to focus on A-Posteriori thought as well as reporting the various things I am discovering to this soulless internet, since I have no human companions readily available to engage me in the conversations I desire. I'm in the strange rut where I've forgotten how to talk to people, anyway. It will pass.

Intro

I am asexual.
This shouldn't need clarification, but there are common misconceptions about Asexuality, and what that means.
The most basic premise is that Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction.
I experience romantic attraction, though rarely, as well as various other forms of attraction...just not sexual attraction.
A few years ago, I thought that this meant something was wrong with me because romantic involvements I had seemed...off; identifying what felt off has made me realize that there's nothing wrong with me, or the people that do experience sexual attraction.
We simply relate to sexual things differently.
My Asexuality does not mean I am incapable of having sex or that I am repulsed by it, though there are Asexuals who don't like it. I just don't want it. I don't see it as necessary, and I really can't even imagine myself having it. I simply don't feel sexual attraction. I never have. I have a libido, but, 99.999% of the time, I do not have the sexual drive or sexual interest in including anyone in that libido beyond flirting and, in exceptional cases, cuddling and perhaps kissing.
As for my libido itself, well, I handle that.