I am tired of being the other woman. Even in relationships, I have been the other woman.
I have never been the most important.
And it's not as if relationships are a hierarchical thing, or should be treated as such, but I have not been cared for properly. Ever. And I'm tired.
I have realized that I sabotage/ protect myself by liking people who are wholly unavailable to me. Or I convince myself that they are unavailable. I am so terrified of caring for people in this specific way that I run as far away from the situation as possible. I distance myself, and only then can I admit my feelings.
But in doing so, I sometimes do really care for people and I put myself in situations that are painful to me. I'll never be good enough for anyone because I destroy my opportunities when they are there, and they find other people who are more reliable, dependent, and stable. People they like more. People that aren't me. And I become the other woman, in a sense. And I am tired of it. I explained this in an eloquent fashion earlier to a friend, and I've been thinking a lot about my habits and how I work and how I ruin things for myself because I'm afraid of being hurt or used over and over and over again, as in the past. I've realized that some of my behavior aggravates the possibility of me getting hurt. And this is hard to admit or think about. But I am trying.
And so far, I've come to the conclusion that being the other woman cannot do. It's an abusive relationship in which the fact that I love and care for someone is taken advantage of. I am only wanted when needed for reassurance or entertainment, and at the end of the day, a romantic partner will trump. A best friend will trump. Anyone but me will trump, because I am the other woman.
